The “Tummy Time Surfboard” is for me. Come on people, you saw the pictures. It needs some work. But honestly, I have to echo Jenn’s sentiments about registering for baby paraphernalia.
We rolled into the ‘RUs bounding with energy. We left tired and haggard. It started with a very thorough explanation from the sales clerk on how to register, what to register for, and common mistakes every idiot parent makes despite her elaborate dissertation on what not to get. Seventeen minutes in, I hopped the desk, punched her in the throat (no more talking), and swiped the gun. The scanning gun, ‘RUs employees don’t pack heat.
Our first stop was breast pumps…woo hoo! I mean, “Ouch.” Apparently latching up a vacuum to your boobs isn’t very appealing. So I decided to ease Jenn’s concerns and try the various models out on myself. Multiple machine hickeys and a chaffed left nipple later, we decided to wait until breast feeding class to make a final decision on breast pumps. That part of the story is made up, on to the baby bottles.
Bottle selection was easy, and took about 30 seconds. Next was grooming products. We scanned shampoo, baby powder, baby lotion, butt paste, nighttime shampoo, nighttime lotions…wait, I just typed butt paste. I’m familiar with toothpaste. And I know you apply toothpaste via a toothbrush. But what happens when you need to brush your teeth and you don’t have a toothbrush? That’s right, you use your finger. Now where are the butt brushes? Seriously? There’s no such thing as a butt brush? So I have to apply this paste using my…oh jeez, that’s not cool for me or BK. No time to dwell on the joys of baby grooming, we need a stroller.
Jenn and I had picked out our stroller weeks ago. We walked over there just to confirm we still liked it. And then a new sales clerk showed up. She started talking under the guise of making sure we knew how to work everything. The young clerk had mistakenly identified my Chevy Chase routine as being unable to properly collapse and assemble the travel system (formerly known as car seats and strollers). She was way off…sort of. She offered tips and advice, and then casually dropped in safety ratings about travel systems, slyly mentioning that the one we had picked wasn’t the best. Telling a mom-to-be that she’s not getting the best for her first unborn child is like pressuring the American people into blindly voting for a Republican out of fear of terrorist attacks. All rationale goes out the window. Needless to say, I punched the sales clerk in the throat. We stayed with the original travel system, and it’s fantastic.
We bypassed the furniture, thanks moms and dads, because our loving parents took care of that for us. Jenn selected bedding back in December, though I’m pretty sure the design was picked out 20 yrs ago when she was playing dolls and pretending to be a mom. Its new stuff, I just mean she’s been ready to buy bedding for quite some time.
The end was near. We flew through the toys section scanning wildly. Balls, bats, gyms, tummy time surfboards, books, BK can have it all. Jenn and I were ready to go. It was fun going through this process, but we needed to get out. Jenn was craving a cool treat from Sonic and her back was sore. (It’s important to note that I didn’t get anything at Sonic for myself) We staggered to the service desk where we started. The first sales clerk had just regained her voice. She counted the number of goods we had scanned, made note of how quickly we scanned 100 items, told us how many pages our registry was, explained the process for gracious people to buy items off of the registry for baby showers, gave us a welcome packet, and described in detail the 16 components of the welcome packet…
I punched her in the throat.
We rolled into the ‘RUs bounding with energy. We left tired and haggard. It started with a very thorough explanation from the sales clerk on how to register, what to register for, and common mistakes every idiot parent makes despite her elaborate dissertation on what not to get. Seventeen minutes in, I hopped the desk, punched her in the throat (no more talking), and swiped the gun. The scanning gun, ‘RUs employees don’t pack heat.
Our first stop was breast pumps…woo hoo! I mean, “Ouch.” Apparently latching up a vacuum to your boobs isn’t very appealing. So I decided to ease Jenn’s concerns and try the various models out on myself. Multiple machine hickeys and a chaffed left nipple later, we decided to wait until breast feeding class to make a final decision on breast pumps. That part of the story is made up, on to the baby bottles.
Bottle selection was easy, and took about 30 seconds. Next was grooming products. We scanned shampoo, baby powder, baby lotion, butt paste, nighttime shampoo, nighttime lotions…wait, I just typed butt paste. I’m familiar with toothpaste. And I know you apply toothpaste via a toothbrush. But what happens when you need to brush your teeth and you don’t have a toothbrush? That’s right, you use your finger. Now where are the butt brushes? Seriously? There’s no such thing as a butt brush? So I have to apply this paste using my…oh jeez, that’s not cool for me or BK. No time to dwell on the joys of baby grooming, we need a stroller.
Jenn and I had picked out our stroller weeks ago. We walked over there just to confirm we still liked it. And then a new sales clerk showed up. She started talking under the guise of making sure we knew how to work everything. The young clerk had mistakenly identified my Chevy Chase routine as being unable to properly collapse and assemble the travel system (formerly known as car seats and strollers). She was way off…sort of. She offered tips and advice, and then casually dropped in safety ratings about travel systems, slyly mentioning that the one we had picked wasn’t the best. Telling a mom-to-be that she’s not getting the best for her first unborn child is like pressuring the American people into blindly voting for a Republican out of fear of terrorist attacks. All rationale goes out the window. Needless to say, I punched the sales clerk in the throat. We stayed with the original travel system, and it’s fantastic.
We bypassed the furniture, thanks moms and dads, because our loving parents took care of that for us. Jenn selected bedding back in December, though I’m pretty sure the design was picked out 20 yrs ago when she was playing dolls and pretending to be a mom. Its new stuff, I just mean she’s been ready to buy bedding for quite some time.
The end was near. We flew through the toys section scanning wildly. Balls, bats, gyms, tummy time surfboards, books, BK can have it all. Jenn and I were ready to go. It was fun going through this process, but we needed to get out. Jenn was craving a cool treat from Sonic and her back was sore. (It’s important to note that I didn’t get anything at Sonic for myself) We staggered to the service desk where we started. The first sales clerk had just regained her voice. She counted the number of goods we had scanned, made note of how quickly we scanned 100 items, told us how many pages our registry was, explained the process for gracious people to buy items off of the registry for baby showers, gave us a welcome packet, and described in detail the 16 components of the welcome packet…
I punched her in the throat.
2 comments:
Sorry, you lost me at "voting blindly for a republican"...
Here's how I buy presents for my "nephews". Walk in, find the thing that makes the MOST ANNOYING, LOUDEST, MOST REPETITIVE toy that does NOT INCLUDE a volume switch or a power switch. So I spit on your registry. :o) Or at least hope you have the sense to keep friends who are nicer than I.
On the subject of the "travel system"... I know more than one couple with advanced degrees who could not figure out how to properly hook the carseat into the vehicle. Of course, having a thus far empty uterus, I have no (EARMUFFS) f*&king idea. Not to worry! There are carseat "specialists." No lie! People at the hospitals who have some sort of certificate on how to properly install any kind of carseat, and not make it a baby launcher. So if you are getting ready to take little BK home, and Rian's in the car throttling the carseat to get it to "work" a la Grandpa John, then just ask for a specialist!
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