So there I was, munching on a Pop Tart and contemplating how my intelligent wife can habitually misspell “definitly,” when it hits me. Our kids aren’t going to win a spelling bee if Mommy helps them practice. This realization has a snowball effect as my mind tries to comprehend that I’m going to be a father in less than five months.
I’m kidding of course, about the spelling bee. Jenn is very well equipped to help with the children’s homework in the future. She is also a very good speller. And strangely, it’s not Algebra or baking soda and vinegar, erupting volcanoes that have me concerned. My main concern is, “Do I look fat in these pants?”
I ask the question somewhat in jest partly because I already know the answer. One thing’s for sure, the first five months of pregnancy have been life altering. There are the numerous doctor visits, the planning of decorating the nursery, and most notably, the “eating for two” theory.
It seems like we’ve been to the doctor’s office 1,347 times in the last 18 months. Thankfully, I only had to “cough” twice in that time frame. I know, strange, considering we’ve been visiting OB/GYNs. Anyhoo, these visits have gone the full cycle of emotions from elation, to confusion, to sadness, to anger, to hope, to praying, and back to elation! If that seems longwinded, try living it. Now each visit consists of the doctor telling us about the next steps, me asking 17 asinine questions, and both Jenn and I giggling like school girls when we hear a heartbeat. I even went so far as to try and bribe the good doctor to induce on July 4th so I could win the office baby pool (I get the projected due date by default). Apparently you can’t plan the exact arrival of these babies unless you’re willing to go under the knife. And Jenn didn’t think it was worth getting cut up for a payout of $150. Next up is an ultrasound at which point we can find out the sex of the baby if we want. We all know which direction this is headed. Jenn and I opened our Christmas gifts on December 16th. What do you think?
I say planning the decorating of the nursery because we haven’t actually done anything yet, probably because I get easily sidetracked. We’ve changed our minds multiple times, but we now have our theme and we’re sticking to it. The downside for me is I now have to put in the work. I say downside only because I just got my Xbox Live set up in the past few days. It’s fuckin’ sweet! I had to cuss so you can truly understand the sweetness of it all. I got my first victory in the first game I played at 1am on Saturday. I beat some tool named Autobots Commander (lame Transformers reference) in NCAA College Football ’08. I rule! Sorry, off the beaten path, back to setting up the nursery. It has to be done before the end of February based on a promise to Jenn. We’ll be out of town the next two weekends, so this shouldn’t be a problem. The point on this is that the baby is coming regardless and I don’t think life slows down at that point. My hope is that baby is cool with being fed while I run the option against CU.
Eating for two!?! Where do I sign up? Normally this is referencing the mother-to-be. In my case, I’ve taken on that challenge and I’m preparing for the future. Let it be known that I have gained more weight during this pregnancy than my beautiful wife. There are numerous reasons why, and I’ll highlight a few. First, I eat everything she doesn’t finish on her plate. Don’t ask why. Maybe it’s training for when junior orders too much at a restaurant, or baby decides that pureed peas taste like shit. Either way, we can’t just throw it away. Second, have you met my friends Big Mac and Whopper? No, that’s not a crude reference to my man bits. I don’t think any more is necessary here. Every retard in the land knows that stuff doesn’t help keep your ass firm. Third, I’m allergic to the gym. Seriously, I go running and I get a huge rash on my thighs. Oh wait, that’s chub rub. Finally, there is never a bad time for ice cream. Period!
All of this is leading to one fantastically exciting conclusion, our first child! It’s been a whirlwind so far, and I’m sure it is going to get even more chaotic. Doctor visits, planning/decorating and rapid weight gain; I’ll take it all. There’s no way I’ll be prepared when July comes, but it can’t come soon enough. Jenn and I were talking about the “Purpose Driven Life” last night and she joked that my purpose right now is to stretch my shirts so she can have something non-constricting to sleep in. As I cried myself to sleep, I thought, “No. I’m here for a bigger purpose.” So here goes. We’re having twins! She’s carrying one, and I’ve got the other. It’s the only logical explanation for my current situation.
But seriously, do I look fat in these pants?
I’m kidding of course, about the spelling bee. Jenn is very well equipped to help with the children’s homework in the future. She is also a very good speller. And strangely, it’s not Algebra or baking soda and vinegar, erupting volcanoes that have me concerned. My main concern is, “Do I look fat in these pants?”
I ask the question somewhat in jest partly because I already know the answer. One thing’s for sure, the first five months of pregnancy have been life altering. There are the numerous doctor visits, the planning of decorating the nursery, and most notably, the “eating for two” theory.
It seems like we’ve been to the doctor’s office 1,347 times in the last 18 months. Thankfully, I only had to “cough” twice in that time frame. I know, strange, considering we’ve been visiting OB/GYNs. Anyhoo, these visits have gone the full cycle of emotions from elation, to confusion, to sadness, to anger, to hope, to praying, and back to elation! If that seems longwinded, try living it. Now each visit consists of the doctor telling us about the next steps, me asking 17 asinine questions, and both Jenn and I giggling like school girls when we hear a heartbeat. I even went so far as to try and bribe the good doctor to induce on July 4th so I could win the office baby pool (I get the projected due date by default). Apparently you can’t plan the exact arrival of these babies unless you’re willing to go under the knife. And Jenn didn’t think it was worth getting cut up for a payout of $150. Next up is an ultrasound at which point we can find out the sex of the baby if we want. We all know which direction this is headed. Jenn and I opened our Christmas gifts on December 16th. What do you think?
I say planning the decorating of the nursery because we haven’t actually done anything yet, probably because I get easily sidetracked. We’ve changed our minds multiple times, but we now have our theme and we’re sticking to it. The downside for me is I now have to put in the work. I say downside only because I just got my Xbox Live set up in the past few days. It’s fuckin’ sweet! I had to cuss so you can truly understand the sweetness of it all. I got my first victory in the first game I played at 1am on Saturday. I beat some tool named Autobots Commander (lame Transformers reference) in NCAA College Football ’08. I rule! Sorry, off the beaten path, back to setting up the nursery. It has to be done before the end of February based on a promise to Jenn. We’ll be out of town the next two weekends, so this shouldn’t be a problem. The point on this is that the baby is coming regardless and I don’t think life slows down at that point. My hope is that baby is cool with being fed while I run the option against CU.
Eating for two!?! Where do I sign up? Normally this is referencing the mother-to-be. In my case, I’ve taken on that challenge and I’m preparing for the future. Let it be known that I have gained more weight during this pregnancy than my beautiful wife. There are numerous reasons why, and I’ll highlight a few. First, I eat everything she doesn’t finish on her plate. Don’t ask why. Maybe it’s training for when junior orders too much at a restaurant, or baby decides that pureed peas taste like shit. Either way, we can’t just throw it away. Second, have you met my friends Big Mac and Whopper? No, that’s not a crude reference to my man bits. I don’t think any more is necessary here. Every retard in the land knows that stuff doesn’t help keep your ass firm. Third, I’m allergic to the gym. Seriously, I go running and I get a huge rash on my thighs. Oh wait, that’s chub rub. Finally, there is never a bad time for ice cream. Period!
All of this is leading to one fantastically exciting conclusion, our first child! It’s been a whirlwind so far, and I’m sure it is going to get even more chaotic. Doctor visits, planning/decorating and rapid weight gain; I’ll take it all. There’s no way I’ll be prepared when July comes, but it can’t come soon enough. Jenn and I were talking about the “Purpose Driven Life” last night and she joked that my purpose right now is to stretch my shirts so she can have something non-constricting to sleep in. As I cried myself to sleep, I thought, “No. I’m here for a bigger purpose.” So here goes. We’re having twins! She’s carrying one, and I’ve got the other. It’s the only logical explanation for my current situation.
But seriously, do I look fat in these pants?
3 comments:
This poll does not seem terribly official, but based on the photos, I a going to say that Jenn is carrying a girl and since Rian appears to be carrying lower and more spread out- I am voting that his is a boy!
Nice treasure trail! Looks more like grandpa John these days! :-)
Jenn, You should wax that belly of Rian's before the baby is born...after all, you don't want any post baby pics where the baby lies sweetly on dad's belly but chokes on the hair.
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